Understanding Shame
Image Credit: Game of Thrones, HBO
Learning Self-Compassion as an Antidote to Shame
Not unlike the Temple of the Many-Faced God in Game of Thrones, shame comes in many guises.
Shame derives from the basic human drive for safe and secure connections with others – a human survival instinct. We are social animals.
Disruptions to those social connections can happen in childhood and later in life, leaving us feeling unsafe, unlovable, abandoned, rejected, inferior and vulnerable to further survival threats.
Causes of shame can include criticism, abuse, neglect, or social disapproval, brought about by disruptions like divorce, migration, job loss, bullying, scandal or systemic oppression (racism, homophobia, sexism).
Immediate shame reactions might be witnessed as downcast gaze, slumping, collapse through the chest region, or blushing, defensive aggression, confusion, overt self-criticism.
Maladaptive attempts to handle shame might manifest as self-punishment in the form of disgust or loathing directed at the self or others and relieved by aggressive or acting-out behaviours like over-consumption of food, alcohol, drugs or sex.
Shame can also show up in subtler ways as shyness, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation or feeling betrayed or dishonoured.
The experience of shame itself can be traumatic, and can become central to our self-concept, forcing us to re-live the shame episodes many times over a life-time, when triggered by sounds, smells, words, images, or experiences.
Shame can lead a person into becoming someone who blames themselves for everything, or the opposite – someone who is never accountable for their own wrong-doings, like a narcissist. It is closely associated with PTSD and other psychological conditions that have a ‘label’. (Leskela, Dierperink, & Thuras, 2002; Matos et al, 2020)
What are antidotes to shame?
Self-compassion, self-kindness, self-forgiveness, self-understanding, self-acceptance.
The power in self-compassion lies in one essential thing: the power to self-soothe, self-affirm, build self-worth without the need for the external validation of social approval.
For people with a long history of referencing their self-concept from the feedback of others, it can be difficult to even access their own self-compassion, so habituated are they to ‘giving their power away’, or depending on the approval of others.
I notice that those who have a highly developed Caretaker as a part of their personality can struggle to give themselves the care and compassion they freely give to others. They judge themselves more harshly than they would ever judge another being.
The paradoxes of healing shame via the lense of Mindful Self-Compassion (Germer Neff Model) are these:
Self-Kindness – Shame makes us feel like we deserve to blame ourselves, but it is actually an innocent emotion that comes from the wish to be loved.
Common Humanity – Shame feels isolating, but it actually connects us to the rest of humanity.
Mindfulness – Shame feels huge and permanent, but it is actually a temporary state affecting only a part of who we are.
Healing our shame is probably one of the greatest gifts we could give ourselves over a lifetime.
Centre For Mindful Self-Compassion
www.centerformsc.org – Chris Germer (MSC)
www.mindfulselfcompassion.org – Kristen Neff
www.self-compassion.org – Paul Gilbert (CFT)
