Psychologists have done us all a great disservice by referring to healthy self-love as ‘healthy narcissism’. Let’s ditch the term!

It’s shorthand for the inevitable harm caused by individuals who might qualify for a diagnosis of narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. Here’s the catch. Such individuals rarely receive a diagnosis.

Other things can cause people to behave in self-centred, disorganised, chaotic or maladaptive ways. The most obvious of these many possible causes is trauma.

If you’re the target of a bully, you’ve seen what their dark side is like, but don’t expect everyone else to see that side of them. Bullies will use ‘plausible deniability’ to deny, deflect or reframe their actions to look as if they have positive motivations.

It is easy to compensate for fawning by a 180 swing into defensive self-righteousness, grief-driven anger, and mistrustful avoidance of others through self-isolation.

In a world that constantly bombards us with images of supposed "ideal" personalities and lifestyles, it's easy to feel like we fall short. We might question whether our personalities are "normal" or whether we fit into society's narrow definition of what is acceptable.

Unintentional gaslighting can slowly corrode the fabric of a workplace, causing lasting damage to both individuals and the organisation as a whole.

The dance of one step forward and two steps back in trauma recovery encapsulates the essence of resilience and growth. Survivors move through this intricate dance with courage, embracing progress and setbacks as integral parts of the journey.

There can be repercussions in our social circles when we start to set boundaries after a lifetime of people-pleasing.

Among the many painful ways in which narcissistic abusers continue to cause distress to their ex-partners, ex-friends, ex-employees or children is the smear campaign.

For people without experience of manipulation and exploitation by an intimate other, ‘getting it’ (narcissistic abuse) is nigh on impossible. Support comes to the survivor, not necessarily from their family or lifelong friends, but from other people who have suffered in the same way.

Narcissists will shame us as an act of overt cruelty, gaining gratification from the sense of personal power that gives them.

Training in Mindful Self Compassion gives us powerful new tools - short daily mindfulness practices – that can change the mental habits of a life time with persistence and repetition. We can heal our shame.

What are we up against when we decide to embark on a journey to heal our shame with self-compassion?

In a word: DOUBT.

(One of the Five Hindrances in Buddhist Psychology. The others are aversion, attachment, restlessness and sloth)

Not unlike the Temple of the Many-Faced God in Game of Thrones, shame comes in many guises.

Shame derives from the basic human drive for safe and secure connections with others – a human survival instinct. We are social animals.

Our minds are reason-making machines. We only have to witness how they bully us into worrying, ruminating or obsessing to understand that. In accepting paradox - we learn to live with, “I don’t know” as well as, “I don’t understand”, rather than, “there has to be a reason for this”.

Burnout is an occupational hazard. Prolonged stress, overwork, uncertainty, survival pressures and pushing through crisis fatigue (a population-wide condition after a global pandemic) can be a recipe for psychological exhaustion.

One of the most painful lessons from narcissistic abuse is the shock of discovering that the person in whom we invested the very best of our nature (love, kindness, generosity, loyalty) actually had a narcissistic hidden agenda.

Moral injury is the deep inner wound that opens up when we experience things that we know to be unfair, unjust or wrong.

Avoidance, projection and denial are basic human strategies for avoiding pain. Narcissistic liars are unable to recognise the difference between Truth and Lie.

Bullying and psychological abuse is all about the absence of things, rather than the presence of things.

People know when they are the victim of covert bullying and abuse.

The Split from a narcissistic partner can create so much chaos as to be overwhelming for some people.

Survivors often must grapple with serious survival threats, as well as deep moral injury.