People high on the narcissism spectrum and coercive controllers tend to use similar tacticsto manipulate and control targets.

Psychologists have done us all a great disservice by referring to healthy self-love as ‘healthy narcissism’. Let’s ditch the term!

It’s shorthand for the inevitable harm caused by individuals who might qualify for a diagnosis of narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. Here’s the catch. Such individuals rarely receive a diagnosis.

Other things can cause people to behave in self-centred, disorganised, chaotic or maladaptive ways. The most obvious of these many possible causes is trauma.

It is easy to compensate for fawning by a 180 swing into defensive self-righteousness, grief-driven anger, and mistrustful avoidance of others through self-isolation.

Unintentional gaslighting can slowly corrode the fabric of a workplace, causing lasting damage to both individuals and the organisation as a whole.

The dance of one step forward and two steps back in trauma recovery encapsulates the essence of resilience and growth. Survivors move through this intricate dance with courage, embracing progress and setbacks as integral parts of the journey.

There can be repercussions in our social circles when we start to set boundaries after a lifetime of people-pleasing.

Among the many painful ways in which narcissistic abusers continue to cause distress to their ex-partners, ex-friends, ex-employees or children is the smear campaign.

Narcissists will shame us as an act of overt cruelty, gaining gratification from the sense of personal power that gives them.

Training in Mindful Self Compassion gives us powerful new tools - short daily mindfulness practices – that can change the mental habits of a life time with persistence and repetition. We can heal our shame.

What are we up against when we decide to embark on a journey to heal our shame with self-compassion?

In a word: DOUBT.

(One of the Five Hindrances in Buddhist Psychology. The others are aversion, attachment, restlessness and sloth)

Moral injury is the deep inner wound that opens up when we experience things that we know to be unfair, unjust or wrong.

Avoidance, projection and denial are basic human strategies for avoiding pain. Narcissistic liars are unable to recognise the difference between Truth and Lie.

The Split from a narcissistic partner can create so much chaos as to be overwhelming for some people.

Survivors often must grapple with serious survival threats, as well as deep moral injury.

When Personal Power comes up against Positional Power, and the person with the Positional Power has many narcissistic traits, the drive to diminish the Personal Power of the other becomes almost an obsession – which is subsequently why the target of bullying feels targeted – because they are!

Written over the entrance to the Ancient Temple at Delphi were words which could easily form the basis of modern trauma-recovery therapeutic interventions. Know Thyself. They are an exhortation to look first within our own character in order to understand our world.

The in-built grandiosity and entitlement of the narcopath is so huge it is likely they genuinely experience the most minor of challenges or disagreement as a gross invasion to their superior self-image – a narcissistic injury.

The narcissist will claim the fight/race/election was rigged, rather than accept defeat. They must win at all costs.

Narcissistic abuse by a life partner can be traumatising. It can cause deep moral injury, and leave a survivor experiencing a massive burden of loss, which needs to be grieved.

What I aim to do is to teach survivors how to be their own therapist by:

1. Orienting to strengths

2. Attending to pain

3. Taking charge of the narrative of their lives

The chaos and despair that victims of narcopaths feel after sudden abandonment can resemble conditions other than trauma –including Depression, Generalised Anxiety Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder – and especially if the therapist is quick to judge the presenting issue as “just a break up”.

Mental health changes such as depression, anxiety, grief, trauma or PTSD can lead to abnormal behaviour. Abnormal behaviour is a normal response to abnormal learning conditions.